Parking Lot Etiquette

The start of the holiday season is mere days away. And that means Mall Madness. In fact, it's already begun. I ventured out today and this is what I realized: someone should write a book on parking lot etiquette. And it should go something like this:

First and foremost, one should never drive hurriedly through a parking lot.

(translation: slow the #*!! down!)

Pedestrians do have the right of way; however, they should not abuse this right by walking down the middle of the lane. Nor should they walk more than two abreast, thus creating an impassable human wall.

(translation: get. out. of. the. way. hoooooonnnnkkkk)

One must pay attention to the angle of the other parked cars and not attempt to drive against the flow.

(translation: don't expect me to back up or finangle my car to the side just so you can keep going up the down aisle. moron.)

It's quite thoughtless to make drivers behind you wait while you patiently wait for someone to unlock their car, load their packages, buckle up the children, open some snacks, check their messages, etc. just so you can have that spot when they finally decide to vacate it.

(translation: omg. get me a gun.)

In an ideal world, plus-size vehicles would have their own parking area. However, seperate parking areas would be cost prohibitive to proprietors trying to profit in today's economy. Thus the rest of us must cope with good grace and humor as we try to see around these extravagant monstrosities whilst backing out of our parking space.

(translation: if your biga$$ truck is taller and/or longer than my Mazda, park behind the store where the semis unload.)

A person of good manners must never take more than one parking slot per vechicle.

(translation: no one has the right to double park. I don't care who you are or what kind of car you drive.)

One must be mindful to park well within the slot lines and not too close to the line.

(translation: and you wonder why your door gets dinged. Hey, don't look at me.)

Just a few other points to ensure that our communities are places of decorum and civility. Be a good shopping citizen. Put your cart in the conveniently provided cart corrals. It just takes a few seconds and a couple of steps. Also, don't empty your ashtray on the ground. And, please, please, please, never leave a dirty diaper in the parking lot.

(translation: if you want to live in a third world country, by all means, go. You have my blessing. I can even give you a few suggestions.)

Let the Holiday Madness begin!

Without me.